PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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