My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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