Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
