Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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