I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
