Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
