you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm getting married
To pizza
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
