Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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