did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize