Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
