The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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