Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
