I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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