Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
