Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
