She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize