I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
