Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
