Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm really busy with my period
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