I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
