Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
