Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize