i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
not ubering you a puppy
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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