I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
