The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
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I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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