I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
