I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
