he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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