His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
