he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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