Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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