My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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