she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
