ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
