At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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