soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
