And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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