my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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