I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
