Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
