I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
