dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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