I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
