They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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