got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
