good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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