At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
