How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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