My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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