i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
