I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
