why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize