Welp...herpes.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
