Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
