10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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