Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize